07-21-2008, 11:06 PM
Permission to post from MonkeyTales
Quote:Spam Can Make An Interesting Conversation
A few days ago, I started collecting spam.
Actually, that's not true. I started 'collecting' spam the nanosecond I first discovered the internet, nearly *cough* *cough* shutupIknowI'mold *hack* years ago. Because spam is the interweb, and the interweb is spam. I'm fairly certain that when brainy pioneering geeks....and Al Gore, of course....first linked two computers together with an inch-thick cable and called it a 'network', the first trailblazing messages sent back and forth had to do with finding lower mortgage rates and shooting the monkey to win a free iPod. 'Hello, world! ... Wouldn't you like a bigger penis?'
So I didn't start collecting spam a few days ago. A few days ago, I simply stopped deleting spam. At least, a certain type of spam. I've scanned through my 'bulk mail' folder before, and seen some pretty strange subject lines, as most people have. And I thought it might be fun to imagine a conversation between me and my spam, using just those subjects. It might look something like this, even:
Me and My Spam
Spam: Ahem. 'Wish you could be better?'
Me: Well, I've never really thought about it. Better how, exactly?
Spam: 'Your wife doesn't find you as good in bed as you used to be!'
Me: Now hold on. I mean, could that be the reason were divorced?
Spam: 'Produce stronger and rock hard erections!'
Me: 'Rock hard'? Isn't that just a little extreme? I don't...
Spam: 'Increase your penis girth by 20%!'
Me: Well, which is it? Harder, or wider? I think you've got the wrong...
Spam: 'You always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue!'
Me: Um... no. Not me. I'm allergic to chalk, for one thing. Plus, I'm ticklish, and...
Spam: 'Gals in your city!'
Me: Wait. Now I'm supposed to unleash my new tree-branch weenie on random women in town? Aren't there laws against that kind of thing? And what are they, ninety? Who calls themselves 'gals' any more?
Spam: 'Babes inside your neighborhood!'
Me: Well, that's better, I guess. But no.
Spam: 'Hookup for warranteed sex!'
Me: No, really, thanks. I'm not even sure how you'd put sex under warranty, and I'd probably lose the receipt, anyway. I'm really not...
Spam: 'Lois squirting her nasty juice!'
Me: Look, no. I'm sure Lois and her... um, what appears to be apple juice, are just lovely, but no. Not interested.
Spam: 'Rejuvenate your liveliness!'
Me: Well, now, okay....that doesn't sound so bad. What sort of liveliness, exactly?
Spam: 'Improve sperm motility!'
Me: Ah. I might have known.
Spam: 'Improve overall sperm production!'
Me: I'm... not all that comfortable talking about...
Spam: 'Your mother has always dreamed of having sweet grandkids.'
Me: Hey, don't drag my mom into this! Especially when you were just talking about...
Spam: 'One towel won't be enough to wipe off your sperm!'
Me: All right, then. That's about enough of that. Don't drag my linens into this, either!
Spam: 'Stop premature ejaculation!'
Me: I don't! I mean, I do. Stop it. I mean, I never started! What's the right answer?!
Spam: 'Give her a Double Dose of love!'
Me: With what, two penises? You've got a pill for that now?
Spam: 'Screw her in the elevator!'
Me: Now that is a buttsex joke, isn't it? I've had just about enough of you.
Spam: 'Enhance your anatomy!'
Me: *sigh* You're not talking about a nose job, are you?
Spam: 'Our penis pills will make your penis sooooo long!'
Me: Right. Look, I...
Spam: 'Add considerable flavoring to your living!'
Me: What does...
Spam: 'Supply significant spiciness to your liveliness!'
Me: I don't even know what...
Spam: 'Inject important flavoring into your existence!'
Me: Hey, are we having sex or basting a turkey here? I'm confused.
Spam: 'The amount of your sperm will make her stammer!'
Me: Ah. Well, I hope it's not the turkey, then. That would sort of ruin Thanksgiving.
Spam: 'Give it to her all night long!!'
Me: But...
Spam: 'Ever wanted to blast like a firehose?!?'
Me: Not...
Spam: 'Russian nasty kangarooes typist in action supermastoid!!!'
Me: What the...
Spam: 'SUPER BLOW-OUT INK SALE!!!!!'
Me: That's it! Out! Out!! Yer over the line....that is way over the... oh. 'Ink'. And 'blow-out'. Not, ah, the other thing. I see. I'll... I'll take three cartridges, then. Two color, one black and white. And, you know, could you throw in a bottle of those 'herbal' pills, while you're at it? Thanks.
So, that's how that went. 'Me and My Spam', I call it. Yes, well, you can't win 'em all, now, can you?
Posted by Monkey Tale at 12:08 AM