I am really upset right now--hate to lose my cool.

[thentavius]

I posted this at TRS, too. I hate to lose my personal quietude, but I can't help it tonight.



Ok--I don't know how clearly I am going to be able to spell this out. I'm really upset and my mom is absolutely wild about this.

I'm hoping some of you have some ideas / thoughts / experiences with this.


Background info:
My mom & dad were married for 35 years, during which time my father was a drunk, was never around, and did not treat my mother with much compassion. Yes--she could have made changes in her life earlier, rather than stayin in an abusive relationship for 35 years--but I've grilled her on that for years now, and it's not the core of this situation.

My parents were divorced in the late 80s, after my dad told her he had cheated on her and was leaving her. My mother was a dependant personality type, who had been a housewife and painter her whole life--and didn't have any work skills. When he left, we had nothing. My mom went through depression and we had no food, electricity, etc. Again, not really the issue here.

When the divorce was finalized, my dad married my stepmom. They lasted two years. He then married my newest stepmom (not sure how long now, maybe 9 years or so).

My mom has been receiving $150 a month alimony since the 80s, with no cost of living increase (he wouldn't do it and the courts wouldn't press it).


Today, my mom gets a bizarre, cold letter from the Catholic Diocese of Fresno, California--informing her that the church is going to do an INQUIRY into her marriage to my dad (they've been divorced since 88). To determine if the kids are legitimate and to determine if the marriage was real and if the divorce was logical / required.

They don't ask for her participation. They TELL her that they WILL be "reviewing" her marriage. They don't even tell her why, except that they are trying to determine the legitimacy on all counts, including whether or not the divorce should have happened. They tell her she may have to "remember" certian painful things about the marriage for the inqiury to take place.

My father was drunk in a bar the night my sister was murdered and my mom dealt with it by herself. She's completely broken up, pissed, off--and she's on the phone right now, a nervous wreck--going on about all the stuff she just drudged up. My mom is rather reactionary, so that again is not the point. She overdoes things. I've been helping her calm herself for years.

What I want to know is:

--WTF gives the church the right to "inquiry" peoples' lives? What is this thing for? Is my dad trying to join a Catholic church and they won't let him in? WTF?

--What gives the church the right to INFORM some random person (who is not Catholic) that they will be doing a CATHOLIC INQIURY into their past? And then tells her to contact her local diocese? WTF?

--Should the Catholic church have the case number and paperwork to my parents' divorce?


Maybe this kicked up my ire for some religious organizations' propensities to pry and control--but I'm really pissed off and upset.

Am I correct in thinking that they can't make her do anything at all?

Is the fact that they have access to paperwork illegal? Or a violation of something?

Is the fact that the letter used rather cold, threatening diction and syntax--and the fact that they ARE going to do the inquiry, and didn't ask for participation a violation of her civil rights???


I apologize for not knowing the answer to these questions.

[landofsmiles]

Could be a spoof piece of mail conjured up by your dad. Might want to check up on that. As far as the church having power, they only have as much as your mom gives them. That's my two cents.

Edited to add: Legally, they have no power to do anything.

[Anita]

Sounds like your father wants the Catholic church to recognize his current marriage.  This can only be done if the church decides his marriage to your mother is null and void.  The Church, nothing legal, can decide to "annul" your parent's marriage.

PS  No, I am not Catholic.

[BellisimaJ.]

Thentavius,

I feel really badly for you.

Is your stepmother a Catholic? If so, she may have asked your dad to apply to the church for an annulment from your mom, which would give them a reason to look into your parent's marriage.
Technically, (not totally sure here, but close), the Catholic church would not recognize the marraige of your stepmother and your dad unless he had never been divorced. They attempt to accomplish that by doing an annulment.

They have no power over your mom whatsoever and no authority to make any legal declarations.

I wish I could be of more help.

[thentavius]

Thank you so much. I'm calmed down quite a bit now. My mom isn't, but she doesn't handle stress well.

As far as the church having power, they only have as much as your mom gives them.

Absolutely, 100% agreed. That's the bottom line, really.

Sounds like your father wants the Catholic church to recognize his current marriage.  This can only be done if the church decides his marriage to your mother is null and void.  The Church, nothing legal, can decide to "annul" your parent's marriage.

My stepmother IS a Catholic, and I bet you're totally right.

The kid part really pissed me off. How dare they ask if we're all legitimate! Why does it matter? it's none of their business.

[BellisimaJ.]

The kid part really pissed me off. How dare they ask if we're all legitimate! Why does it matter? it's none of their business.

Because they need to manufacture or find a reason for the annulment. Your stepmother may have suggested that reason.

[thentavius]

Because they need to manufacture or find a reason for the annulment. Your stepmother may have suggested that reason.

Ahhh... Ok.

This makes sense (at least as far as the concept that a religious organization thinks they can ask for this kind of data, and perform this kind of symbolic annulment can make sense).

I appreciate all of your input and help. I've managed to calm her down, with your help. She's not going to tell them anything. There's no reason for her to spill her guts. She's not a Catholic. She has no obligation to do this in any way. It's not her responsibility to deal with this and it's not her problem that her husband and his new wifey are members of a church that tells them they're living in sin, even when the government says they're divorced.

She even said if they had asked her nicely, and asked if she was WILLING to participate, she would have likely helped out.

[BellisimaJ.]

[quote author=thentavius link=topic=5486.msg27913#msg27913 date=1161044339]

Because they need to manufacture or find a reason for the annulment. Your stepmother may have suggested that reason.

Ahhh... Ok.

This makes sense (at least as far as the concept that a religious organization thinks they can ask for this kind of data, and perform this kind of symbolic annulment can make sense).

I appreciate all of your input and help. I've managed to calm her down, with your help. She's not going to tell them anything. There's no reason for her to spill her guts. She's not a Catholic. She has no obligation to do this in any way. It's not her responsibility to deal with this and it's not her problem that her husband and his new wifey are members of a church that tells them they're living in sin, even when the government says they're divorced.

She even said if they had asked her nicely, and asked if she was WILLING to participate, she would have likely helped out.
[/quote]

I'm glad she is feeling calmer.

It is appalling that any religious organization should have the right, if not the legal authority, to do such a thing. It makes me sick.
One of several reasons why I like to stay away from organized religion. The hupocrisy appalls me completely.

[stardust]

Another scenario:  Your stepmom could be creating this situation to get your mother so upset that she agrees to give up the $150/mo alimony just to be left alone.  My guess would be that that piddly amount of money is a real sore spot and has caused great resentment throughout their years of marriage.  Especially if money is tight. 

I would keep the hair up on the back of my neck, if I were you. 

[maggie777]

Sounds like your father wants the Catholic church to recognize his current marriage.  This can only be done if the church decides his marriage to your mother is null and void.

:ditto:  His previous marriages need to be annulled.  He's living in sin  : with his current wife in the eyes of the Catholic Church.